30 Hilarious One-Liners To Brighten Up Your Day

  1. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
  2. “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’” — Paddy Lennox
  3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” — Alexei Sayle
  4. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” — Andy Field
  5. “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” — Jimeoin
  6. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” — Ed Byrne
  7. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” — Olaf Falafel
  8. “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” — Adam Hess
  9. “I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” — Jenny Collier
  10. “Never Apologise! Never Explain!” — Sorry, that’s my motto.” — Chris Turner
  11. “I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” — William Andrews
  12. “Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” — Richard Stott
  13. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. — That’s 20 cows’” — Jake Lambert
  14. “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it” — Adele Cliff
  15. “I had a job drilling holes for water — it was well boring.” — Leo Kearse
  16. “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” — Alfie Moore
  17. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” — Will Marsh
  18. “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” — Mark Watson
  19. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” — Alun Cochrane
  20. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall
  21. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” — Nick Helm
  22. “I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” — Caroline Mabey
  23. “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day” — Adam Rowe
  24. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change” — Ken Cheng
  25. “I’ve decided to sell my hoover — well, it was just collecting dust”— Tim Vine
  26. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” — Steven Wright
  27. “I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” — Ben Bailey
  28. “‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” — Josie Long
  29. “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” — Russell Howard
  30. “I bet there’s never any workers’ strikes at a stress ball factory.” — Ian Smith

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Akhil Sonthi

Tech Enthusiast | Entrepreneur | Music Artist | MEng @ Cambridge